Great Moments in Carolina Flat Tops
It was once said by Carmelo Anthony that Dwight Howard told Kobe Bryant in a secret AIM conversation that if LeBron James had went to college, he would have immediately gotten a flattop haircut and stayed all four years at UNC, or so I’m told. There’s also the indisputable fact that had MJ not been so deathly afraid of his own hair, he would have joined Scottie Pippen as flattop-wielding harbingers of basketball death. Allegedly, the ensuing collapse of all sports competition was too great of a risk. The Illuminati decided to only allow limited flattop use in a credo that is sewn into every third strand of Final Four netting:
“Thy team must not employeth the flattop more than every couple of years or so, and thy team also must not attempteth the flattop-bill combination unless playing baseball.”
Never mind the sheer impossibility of this situation occurring; I assure you everything is written in English. Here’s some Tar Heels looking sharp on all four corners:
1. JR Reid
Reid is #1 because he has the first TRUE flattop seen at UNC, and was one hell of a high-ranked recruit. Kenny Smith and Sam Perkins had flirted with similar hairstyles, but thankfully decided not to.
In 1989, the NBA was instructed to pluck J.R. from Chapel Hill before the arrival of any other similarly-styled men. We weren’t ready yet.
2. & 3. George Lynch and Hubert Davis
The Commonwealth of Virginia still hasn’t recovered from losing this dynamic duo to UNC. Rumor has it that electric clippers in Virginia and parts of Maryland simply stopped working from ’88-’92. Lynch and Davis literally powered the city of Chapel Hill for seven days straight in the winter of ’91. This allowed UNC to afford to build the 879 million dollar man, also known as Rasheed Wallace. You can’t make this stuff up.
4. Kennedy Meeks
ACC officials and Carolina insiders were told that Meeks must either cut the flattop and lose weight, or risk having every single basketball in North Carolina disintegrate due to sheer terror. Quite simply, mass cannot be created nor destroyed, unless a flattop is involved. We were looking at a possible supernova effect on the corner of Manning Drive and Rosemary Street, which are currently parallel roads that have no intersection. Dogs were (allegedly) going to skip cats and go straight to hampsters and rabbits! Luckily, Meeks is now a svelte 270 and is no longer at risk of causing irreparable damage to the UNC endowment or local fauna.
5. Eric Montross
NBA Jam Tournament Edition creators Midway had problems with early game builds crashing. Coders and testers spent days trying to find out what kept causing catastrophic errors. Turns out that Chris Mullin and Eric Montross were both programmed with flattops, and any instance of the two high-flyers on the same screen would instantly melt the game hardware. A twelve-hour, paper-rock-scissors-grenade battle determined who would keep the ‘do, and Montross relinquished the digital fashion statement. Mullin’s victory spoils are evident whenever Golden State is selected in “Tonight’s Match-Up”.
We can never be totally sure when the power of the flattop will rise like a well-oiled, bird-shaped machine from Phoenix, but I’ll be ready. In the meantime, please practice “safe snips” and watch for multiple flattops converging in one location. I don’t mean to sound condescending, but have you heard of the Big Bang? This would be a bigger bang than that.
Any additional allegations of flattop dominance can be forwarded to @it_is_elliott on twitter or dropped in one of the many direct tunnels leading from participating Subway restaurants to my apartment in Chapel Hill.
Credit: Associated Press Photo, hairfinder.com, Wilmington Star News