What if ACC teams were wrestling factions?
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In this summer’s edition of, “well, we should probably write something until football starts,” let’s take a deep dive into the upcoming ACC football and basketball seasons. How are we going to do that? By comparing ACC programs to professional wrestling stables (or groups), of course.
Let’s do this in alphabetical order, because otherwise Boston College would get lost at the bottom of the list when you all would have given up on this post:
Boston College – Three Man Band
These guys all had a decent amount of potential as solo acts, but somehow when they came together they became the most boring thing on the planet. Early in their ACC careers, the Golden Eagles had potential. They, for a brief period of time, were contenders. Then, they just started losing. A lot. And no one seemed to care. Sorry, BC.
Clemson – The Wyatt Family
Let’s dial in on football for this one. Holy cow, these guys should be great. I mean, they should be really great. They have the size, the look, the athletic ability, but they just can’t quite get to the top. They’ll dominate teams, but when it’s time for a “big match,” the Tigers are nowhere to be found. And if there were a state in the footprint that could produce the likes of these fellas, it’s South Carolina.
Bonus comparison: University of South Carolina = John Cena
Duke – The nWo
You love to hate them, and yet somehow they’re wildly popular nationwide. They’re taking over, and there’s just not a damn thing we can do to stop them. Both Duke and the nWo are led by men with jet-black hair that couldn’t possibly be dyed at all. Really, all we can hope is that they don’t get so powerful within the ACC that they bring the whole thing down from the inside. Brother.
Florida State – The Dudley Boyz
Yet another heel team that made it all the way to the top. Much like the Dudleys were one of the most decorated tag teams in history, the Seminoles boast one of the more illustrious football trophy cases in the conference. Unfortunately, while the Dudley Boyz only pretended to powerbomb women off the stage…
…a few Seminoles have actually put their hands on women this summer. All jokes aside, that’s inexcusable, guys. Do better.
On top of all of this, it’s a relative certainty that the camo/taped glasses look is pretty easy to find in Tallahassee.
Bonus comparison #2: #FSUTwitter = Spike Dudley, and Michelle Beadle = Lita, ready at all times for a fight.
Georgia Tech – The Bella Twins
This one might admittedly be a stretch, but in all of eternity there isn’t a wrestling tactic more infuriating than the “Twin Magic”, or a college football offense more maddening than the triple option.
Louisville – The Radicalz
Remember these guys? The Radicalz were hot new free agents who jumped from the floundering WCW to the surging WWF in 2000. Some (basketball/Eddie Guerrero) could be great. Others (everything else/Perry Saturn) could be complete failures.
Miami and Virginia Tech – The Alliance
WCW and ECW came into the WWF together, and they were going to take over. They were going to change the landscape forever. Well, oops. Funny how things work out…
NC State – The Hart Foundation
The Hart Foundation defined success in the 1980s, and produced one of the greatest of all-time in the process. Since then, well… not so much. And, like Bret “The Hitman” Hart, maybe they’ve gotten just a little bitter since then. Every game against their foes in blue is another Montreal Screwjob. *runs and hides*
Bonus comparison #3: Karl Hess = Earl Hebner
Notre Dame – The Main Event Mafia
Yep. That’s right. A TNA reference. This stable brought history to an organization that “needed them,” and were supposed to draw a ton of money. Too bad they just can’t quite do it like they used to, and no one really wants them around. Also, Notre Dame football refusing to commit to the ACC is JUST like Kevin Nash and Booker T saying they’d come back to TNA, only to enter the Royal Rumble instead.
Pitt – The Corre
Syracuse – Immortal
Yet another TNA reference, where the old guys went because they needed to collect a check. They used to be something, but now it’s just a little sad as cantankerous Jim Boeheim holds on like Eric Bischoff did towards the merciful end to his pro wrestling run. This year’s edition of Syracuse basketball will also be like Immortal in that nobody will be watching them on TV.
UNC – The Four Horsemen
The swagger. The history. The names. The championships. The cheating. The Tar Heels are the collegiate version of the Four Horsemen. They’re beloved in their home state. They reached prominence in the 1980s and continued to dominate well into the late 1990s. The only difference between North Carolina and the Horsemen is that the Tar Heels’ success continued into the new millennium. All of this, and Roy Williams is STILL ripping off his suit jacket like he’s the Nature Boy himself:
UVA – The Right to Censor
This crew was bound and determined to take the fun out of everything, and along the way, they made sure to let you know that their way was the best way. The only major difference is that the Cavaliers have actually seen some success in the past few years, whereas The Right to Censor’s claim to fame was turning The Godfather into The Goodfather.
Wake Forest – The Spirit Squad
Well we’ve reached the finale, and saved the most ridiculous for last. They’re bad. Just bad. Maybe Wake has one guy that can pull a Dolph Ziggler (shouts out to Chris Paul) and make something of himself, but the odds are stacked up against them. The Demon Deacons actually won the ACC Title in football in 2007, which is comparable to that one time The Spirit Squad beat DeGeneration X. At least they got that one title?
Featured image courtesy of Adam May (@LongLeafCreativ). Dudley Boyz video courtesy of GOAT Squadwrestling. Ric Flair video courtesy of Justified.